My partner and I talk mostly all day, every day on social media – even though we live together. Cute right? Anyway, he sent me a link to a TED talk (he sends me them every now and again because he knows I love them) and the presenter was talking about procrastination. I’m almost positive, if you look that word up in the dictionary, you’ll see a picture of Miss NurseyD looking back at you. I’ll share the link with you later, it’s actually quite humorous, probably because it’s so true.
The point of telling you all this – I’ll get to in a minute.
So about a fortnight ago, the universe and all the stars aligned, and I decided to have a break down. Yep. I was severely depressed on this particular day, couldn’t get out of bed no matter how hard I tried – I just slept and slept and slept. Quite the contrary behavior for some one who has always suffered with insomnia. Anyway, finally came the time when I HAD to get up – it was work time. Me being in the grumpy, depressed, agitated state I was in – subconsciously decided to spark an argument with my partner. I don’t do this on purpose – I really don’t. Nevertheless, it was a bad one. We were yelling at each other, swearing, he was crying, I was crying – he told me how difficult it was living with my depression. And that was when it felt like my chest was going to collapse. I was heaving, almost hyperventilating; I could hardly breathe – absolutely sobbing. Lying on the floor in my bedroom like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum.
That’s when the suicidal thoughts started wandering back through my mind. I hate that this is the first thing I think of, but it is. For the first time ever, I decided to call my father. He answered, and I turned into a blubbering mess. Although I knew what his response would be – that thinking of suicide or anything similar was “silly”, I still told him. It was exactly what he said, but it was still nice to show him how raw I was feeling. Even though he called me silly, he was still extremely supportive.
Now, I’m not sure what it was. Whether it was the absolute intensity of 2 hours of sobbing, or whether it was letting my father see me so raw – but for the last couple of weeks – I’ve felt so much better. My motivation and my energy levels are still shitty, but my mood has definitely improved.
I generally take medication at night to help me sleep, and I’ve been sleeping quite well. That is, until the last two nights. That this is what brings us back to the original waffle story about the procrastination video.
Two nights in a row, I’ve gotten into bed around 9 or 10pm, and literally tossed and turned all night – getting up to the toilet approximately every hour. Now what do we know about frequent urination? Frequent urination is generally linked to two things. 1 – a urinary tract infection, or 2 – anxiety. I definitely don’t have a UTI – my urine doesn’t smell, it’s correctly coloured, and it doesn’t burn when I pee (TMI, sorry, not sorry 😉 ). Great. My anxiety is back. I never even imagined that this was something I had, until my GP had mentioned it to me approximately 2 years ago. As I was laying next to my partner, who was happily snoring away, I was thinking about – oh you know – everything, from grass growing, to UFOs, to why Thomas Edison decided to invent a light bulb. And then it hit me. Was I procrastinating about sleeping? When I actually wanted to sleep?
Surely not. I love sleep. But that frequent peeing… Oh my gosh. I was procrastiURINATING. Yeahhhh. I said it. Say it out loud and laugh.
And have a good day xx
Inside the mind of a master procrastinator – Tim Urban